thoughts #2

today was a decent day the voices in my head we not so loud. i was actually able to think for myself. i hope that at some point i will be able to fully do things for myself as well. i am afraid to say it but i think i rely to much on others. my independence is somewhat lacking and i don't know where it has gone. i love the people that are around me. like my family, friends and others. but i don't think i show enough appreciation towards as i should. i tend to take the "consistent things" for granted. i sometimes put them high on my shelf and leave them there until i feel that i need them again. awhile back i was watching the catholic channel etwn or something like that and this priest was talking about different kinds of love. one of them was utilitarian love. i think i have too much of that kind of love for others. i'm selfish i suppose. actually no I AM SELFISH. i think i use people for my own devices too often. i hate that i do that. i hate myself for doing that. yet i keep falling back into that pattern of behavior for some reason. i hope that i am not the only one that feels this way. i also wish i could apologize to everyone that i have ever felt that way towards. honestly i am trying to work against that behavior but to no avail. how deep is my love and care for others? i ask myself sometimes. do i love that person for their betterment or mine? death is an interesting thing. i am aware that i will see my loved ones again but why does it hurt so much? i know that it hurts but why? i have never understood it even when i have experienced it myself. the invisible connections that we have with each other bind so strong. it amazes me. i hope that one day i will be a better person not only for myself but for others as welll. the saying that i have heard that you must love yourself before you can love others, is untrue. i don't like myself but i feel i have a sense of love for others. interesting how that works. i say that i have a "sense" of love for others because of my aforementioned statement. my therapist tells me things that i need to work on but honestly you get tired of working on them. it's like "great i need to deal with myself again!" when you don't like a particular person, even if it is yourself, you don't like dealing with them all the time. ignorance is bliss. sometimes i apply that idea to myself. when i ignore myself or my feelings, things aren't so bad after all. yet i also realize that i need to do better than just ignoring myself [feelings] all the time even though it may seem dandy for awhile. did i just say dandy?! i have so much admiration for those going through physical or mental anguish. because on a minuscule scale i can somehow relate. in all actuality i think everyone at some point in their lives can relate as well. we all feel pain of various kinds and varying degrees. it is a sad thing. yet i try to take hope in the belief that it will all be made up to us.

Thoughts

so i am sitting here in front of my computer. my day, or week, has been interesting. i find that things are not what you may have set them out to be. knowing this you would assume it would allow for things to become easier. but they don't. by knowing how things are only makes it more difficult. knowing the rules of the game would seem empowering but has most recently caused me to become less powerful. i fear that one day that i will somehow know more than i do at this moment and become less of what i am. right now i feel confused as to who i really am and i assume that others may feel this way but do we ever discuss the things that we hide even from ourselves? i don't for fear that if i discover what is yet to be uncovered i will have found absolutely nothing. and that is what i fear. the nothingness. it makes me cry at times not because i am sad but because i am afraid of what i have become. i know that it has taken me many years to come to a conclusion that there is no conclusion to come to. i know that there is a god. i believe in him and i know that there is some point for me in this hodgepodge of things but i think is what it comes down to is that i am afraid of my potential. i am afraid that i can do something with myself. not necessarily something great and wonderful but just something. i think that is what scares me the most. not our lack of potential but the possibility of potential. the ability to become something we never thought we could be. that is what i fear. yet i hope that in the days to come that this fear may somehow lessen because it is killing me. it is taking away my personal strengths, my loves, and my desires. i do it to myself. i have no one else to blame. i laugh but when i really think about it but it is true. i suppose the question now is why. why do i deconstruct myself? i don't know yet but i will find out, hopefully.