Thoughts

so i am sitting here in front of my computer. my day, or week, has been interesting. i find that things are not what you may have set them out to be. knowing this you would assume it would allow for things to become easier. but they don't. by knowing how things are only makes it more difficult. knowing the rules of the game would seem empowering but has most recently caused me to become less powerful. i fear that one day that i will somehow know more than i do at this moment and become less of what i am. right now i feel confused as to who i really am and i assume that others may feel this way but do we ever discuss the things that we hide even from ourselves? i don't for fear that if i discover what is yet to be uncovered i will have found absolutely nothing. and that is what i fear. the nothingness. it makes me cry at times not because i am sad but because i am afraid of what i have become. i know that it has taken me many years to come to a conclusion that there is no conclusion to come to. i know that there is a god. i believe in him and i know that there is some point for me in this hodgepodge of things but i think is what it comes down to is that i am afraid of my potential. i am afraid that i can do something with myself. not necessarily something great and wonderful but just something. i think that is what scares me the most. not our lack of potential but the possibility of potential. the ability to become something we never thought we could be. that is what i fear. yet i hope that in the days to come that this fear may somehow lessen because it is killing me. it is taking away my personal strengths, my loves, and my desires. i do it to myself. i have no one else to blame. i laugh but when i really think about it but it is true. i suppose the question now is why. why do i deconstruct myself? i don't know yet but i will find out, hopefully.