thoughts #2

today was a decent day the voices in my head we not so loud. i was actually able to think for myself. i hope that at some point i will be able to fully do things for myself as well. i am afraid to say it but i think i rely to much on others. my independence is somewhat lacking and i don't know where it has gone. i love the people that are around me. like my family, friends and others. but i don't think i show enough appreciation towards as i should. i tend to take the "consistent things" for granted. i sometimes put them high on my shelf and leave them there until i feel that i need them again. awhile back i was watching the catholic channel etwn or something like that and this priest was talking about different kinds of love. one of them was utilitarian love. i think i have too much of that kind of love for others. i'm selfish i suppose. actually no I AM SELFISH. i think i use people for my own devices too often. i hate that i do that. i hate myself for doing that. yet i keep falling back into that pattern of behavior for some reason. i hope that i am not the only one that feels this way. i also wish i could apologize to everyone that i have ever felt that way towards. honestly i am trying to work against that behavior but to no avail. how deep is my love and care for others? i ask myself sometimes. do i love that person for their betterment or mine? death is an interesting thing. i am aware that i will see my loved ones again but why does it hurt so much? i know that it hurts but why? i have never understood it even when i have experienced it myself. the invisible connections that we have with each other bind so strong. it amazes me. i hope that one day i will be a better person not only for myself but for others as welll. the saying that i have heard that you must love yourself before you can love others, is untrue. i don't like myself but i feel i have a sense of love for others. interesting how that works. i say that i have a "sense" of love for others because of my aforementioned statement. my therapist tells me things that i need to work on but honestly you get tired of working on them. it's like "great i need to deal with myself again!" when you don't like a particular person, even if it is yourself, you don't like dealing with them all the time. ignorance is bliss. sometimes i apply that idea to myself. when i ignore myself or my feelings, things aren't so bad after all. yet i also realize that i need to do better than just ignoring myself [feelings] all the time even though it may seem dandy for awhile. did i just say dandy?! i have so much admiration for those going through physical or mental anguish. because on a minuscule scale i can somehow relate. in all actuality i think everyone at some point in their lives can relate as well. we all feel pain of various kinds and varying degrees. it is a sad thing. yet i try to take hope in the belief that it will all be made up to us.