thoughts #3

well another day. today i feel i have lost the battle. not the war necessarily. it is strange to think i have come this far in years and not messed up my life too bad. i suppose that it could always be worse. when i think of others and their struggles mine begin to lose their size. the strength of others had led to my continuation in life. if i was doing this just for myself i would have been long gone. my strength in my family has helped a great deal. despite my selfish behavior i have seem to somehow come out on top as it were. knowing this for some reason does not minimize the struggle at least how the struggle feels and not the actual struggle itself. i have notice that i have been behind in my poetic writings. a little frustrating because i want to do more but lately i have lacked the creative will power to put pen to paper. interestingly enough i skipped my therapist appointment this week and it actually felt pretty good not having divulge such personal information to a man i hardly know and hardly care about personally. he's a good man mind you but i pay him to listen. my pessimistic side coming out once again. maybe i am not a pessimist but a realist. i think that is what i am, a realist. the glass is not half empty or half full it is just a glass filled with water and it is just that. i deliver facts not opinions i suppose. others would see it the other way i presume. i wonder sometimes though am i as petty and superficial as feel? i think that is a question some may ask themselves. can everyone else sense my selfishness or am i hiding it too well? and why am i hiding anything at all may also be a good question. about 10 years ago and i still feel the loss. to somebody i only knew for a short while. i know that i will see her again but i miss her. once again the invisible ties that bind and sometimes choke us. i think that i am more ashamed of who i am and what i have done than anything.