thoughts #4

i don't really know where to start this time. things inside my head have been strange indeed. now all i need to do is sort them out. once again i have the feeling of just going through the motions and feeling a bit disconnected with myself and everyone around. thoughts of leaving this life have entered and exited my mind as well. some days i see a point to all the madness, that is life, and hope for a better day. other times the line between the madness and reality becomes blurred and abberated. i share my thoughts in hopes that i may be able to reconnect with myself more so than anyone else. i have written some poetry the other day and that was a nice change of pace. almost therapeutic in a way to be able to purge my thoughts from mind and my emotions from my heart and have them spill onto the paper. vulnerability is a beautiful thing. something that we should all experience. i now know at this point in my life that i know nothing at all. i thought i did but once again i was wrong. i'm not disgruntled in the least that i'm wrong either. i'm a bit happy to realize this at 28 than later on my adult experience. i wonder, even though i am not suppose to, how far behind everyone else i am. in my adult experience that is. what it is i have yet to learn that others already have. peculiar isn't it, to think that we are all on a different time table of growth in life. i wonder where i rank, if at all, amongst the others. i suppose that is evil thinking to even begin to delve into such things but it has sprung my curiosity free that is for certain. well i find that to be human we must experience. we must experience love, hate, all of it! to make a knowingly foolish choice is one thing. I'm not talking about that. i'm talking about allow ourselves to feel things. negativity is good when it causes you to do positive things. i'm learning to believe that. one day that idea will consume me and i will smile. for a free man is truly only free in his heart. it is not our actions that define us it is our intent for those actions. another thing that i have learned recently is that we must have hope. if we do not have hope we have nothing. i didn't really believe that before but once again it is a thing that i am learning. i thought that i could go through life without hope or hope in the future but i have realized that to go without is not possible. so many things that i have to learn i hope that i can be able to cram them all inside of myself. one day i will learn, one day i will grow, one day i will live.