another installment

well things have been interesting and continue to be. i am trying to smile more and hope that i will be able to feel it. knowing this i realize things are not too far away from me. life has treated me well these years so why shouldn't i smile i suppose. the voices have not necessarily subsided by any means but i think i am getting better at dealing with them. i finally got rid of my therapist. no offense but i did enjoy his presence. good person but definitely not working for me. i still think about suicide, harming myself and/or others. i still hear people's voices that i have never met and i still have panic attacks and bouts of paranoia. but i have recently realized that it is all to help me not harm me. in the sense that i am forced to learn more about myself and have a better interpersonal relationship. without God i would be dead. i realize this now. like i never had before. i hope that this understanding will stay with me and not fade. right now i am taking an art history class which has been quite intriguing. the professor is good and i am enjoying what i am learning. even though i can't wait to have it over with as well. my cousin is trying to come visit me soon. which will be really nice since we get along very well in fact. our discussions about anything and everything are always quite a treat. things like that help me to realize that life is worth living and the voices don't know what they are talking about. i just wish i could do more to help others like me and not at all like me. i have been trying to come up with ways to help, like working with NAMI in educating others and just being a better person. those are quite lowly aspirations yet i suppose that it is a start. i just don't know. i feel like not matter what i give it just is not enough. i suppose that is how it will always be. creating and destroyed are in the same circle but i would rather create. it is more than just me, i just am. i have also come to the conclusion that once i making a decision is a process that must be continually renewed otherwise the decision you were trying to make will die. like everything it must be replenished.