I'm back....for now.

well i finally decided to get back on the horse and actually make use of this blog thing. right now i am listening to the ramones. good stuff fo sho! an interesting thing happened to me the other day. i was waiting after one of my classes and this girl in my class was talking to a professor and she was relaying to him a story about how she got into an accident up in the canyon a day or so before. she said that she rolled her car and had to get pulled out of her car by some stranger. she also stated that she was still in shock. it made me start to think how i would react if that would have happened to me. would i be happy to be alive or would i wish i was dead. i have been thinking about this a lot lately. i have even discussed this matter with some others and i am starting to realize that i knew my answer all along. i believe i would be glad to be alive. this story that i overheard about the girl has affected me enough that it has caused me to start to appreciate life a little more and for what i have. because after all i could be dead tomorrow or even in an hour for that matter. either way i would have to face my Maker and i would have to be accountable for all the things that i have done. so in effect i want to not only live better but realize that i better live! we have all heard that addage that life is short and what not. but i have discovered that life being short is not the problem the problem is that our lives may not be good enough. i am not talking about accumulation of wealth or what not i am talking about doing a good turn daily. i have thought about this and i think that right now i am deficient in that aspect of my life. yet i realize that i still have the opportunity to change. that is the beauty of it. that time still allows me such a opportunity as wonderful as that. one of these days i will have to thank that girl for sharing her story. not for so much that she had to experience what she did but that she shared it. the intricate nature of life is astounding. now with all that being said i have to be honest in saying that it is still hard for me to get out of bed and knowing that i have to be around people and deal with my interpersonal relationships. yet i think that things may have hope in them yet. i was telling someone the other day that i have heard that in the entertainment industry there is a term "overnight sensation" and i have also heard that it takes years to become an overnight sensation. with that said i feel i am in the overnight sensation process. one day i may wake up and it will all make sense in my heart and in my mind. yet it will have taken years to get to that point.

another installment

well things have been interesting and continue to be. i am trying to smile more and hope that i will be able to feel it. knowing this i realize things are not too far away from me. life has treated me well these years so why shouldn't i smile i suppose. the voices have not necessarily subsided by any means but i think i am getting better at dealing with them. i finally got rid of my therapist. no offense but i did enjoy his presence. good person but definitely not working for me. i still think about suicide, harming myself and/or others. i still hear people's voices that i have never met and i still have panic attacks and bouts of paranoia. but i have recently realized that it is all to help me not harm me. in the sense that i am forced to learn more about myself and have a better interpersonal relationship. without God i would be dead. i realize this now. like i never had before. i hope that this understanding will stay with me and not fade. right now i am taking an art history class which has been quite intriguing. the professor is good and i am enjoying what i am learning. even though i can't wait to have it over with as well. my cousin is trying to come visit me soon. which will be really nice since we get along very well in fact. our discussions about anything and everything are always quite a treat. things like that help me to realize that life is worth living and the voices don't know what they are talking about. i just wish i could do more to help others like me and not at all like me. i have been trying to come up with ways to help, like working with NAMI in educating others and just being a better person. those are quite lowly aspirations yet i suppose that it is a start. i just don't know. i feel like not matter what i give it just is not enough. i suppose that is how it will always be. creating and destroyed are in the same circle but i would rather create. it is more than just me, i just am. i have also come to the conclusion that once i making a decision is a process that must be continually renewed otherwise the decision you were trying to make will die. like everything it must be replenished.

thoughts #4

i don't really know where to start this time. things inside my head have been strange indeed. now all i need to do is sort them out. once again i have the feeling of just going through the motions and feeling a bit disconnected with myself and everyone around. thoughts of leaving this life have entered and exited my mind as well. some days i see a point to all the madness, that is life, and hope for a better day. other times the line between the madness and reality becomes blurred and abberated. i share my thoughts in hopes that i may be able to reconnect with myself more so than anyone else. i have written some poetry the other day and that was a nice change of pace. almost therapeutic in a way to be able to purge my thoughts from mind and my emotions from my heart and have them spill onto the paper. vulnerability is a beautiful thing. something that we should all experience. i now know at this point in my life that i know nothing at all. i thought i did but once again i was wrong. i'm not disgruntled in the least that i'm wrong either. i'm a bit happy to realize this at 28 than later on my adult experience. i wonder, even though i am not suppose to, how far behind everyone else i am. in my adult experience that is. what it is i have yet to learn that others already have. peculiar isn't it, to think that we are all on a different time table of growth in life. i wonder where i rank, if at all, amongst the others. i suppose that is evil thinking to even begin to delve into such things but it has sprung my curiosity free that is for certain. well i find that to be human we must experience. we must experience love, hate, all of it! to make a knowingly foolish choice is one thing. I'm not talking about that. i'm talking about allow ourselves to feel things. negativity is good when it causes you to do positive things. i'm learning to believe that. one day that idea will consume me and i will smile. for a free man is truly only free in his heart. it is not our actions that define us it is our intent for those actions. another thing that i have learned recently is that we must have hope. if we do not have hope we have nothing. i didn't really believe that before but once again it is a thing that i am learning. i thought that i could go through life without hope or hope in the future but i have realized that to go without is not possible. so many things that i have to learn i hope that i can be able to cram them all inside of myself. one day i will learn, one day i will grow, one day i will live.

thoughts #3

well another day. today i feel i have lost the battle. not the war necessarily. it is strange to think i have come this far in years and not messed up my life too bad. i suppose that it could always be worse. when i think of others and their struggles mine begin to lose their size. the strength of others had led to my continuation in life. if i was doing this just for myself i would have been long gone. my strength in my family has helped a great deal. despite my selfish behavior i have seem to somehow come out on top as it were. knowing this for some reason does not minimize the struggle at least how the struggle feels and not the actual struggle itself. i have notice that i have been behind in my poetic writings. a little frustrating because i want to do more but lately i have lacked the creative will power to put pen to paper. interestingly enough i skipped my therapist appointment this week and it actually felt pretty good not having divulge such personal information to a man i hardly know and hardly care about personally. he's a good man mind you but i pay him to listen. my pessimistic side coming out once again. maybe i am not a pessimist but a realist. i think that is what i am, a realist. the glass is not half empty or half full it is just a glass filled with water and it is just that. i deliver facts not opinions i suppose. others would see it the other way i presume. i wonder sometimes though am i as petty and superficial as feel? i think that is a question some may ask themselves. can everyone else sense my selfishness or am i hiding it too well? and why am i hiding anything at all may also be a good question. about 10 years ago and i still feel the loss. to somebody i only knew for a short while. i know that i will see her again but i miss her. once again the invisible ties that bind and sometimes choke us. i think that i am more ashamed of who i am and what i have done than anything.

thoughts #2

today was a decent day the voices in my head we not so loud. i was actually able to think for myself. i hope that at some point i will be able to fully do things for myself as well. i am afraid to say it but i think i rely to much on others. my independence is somewhat lacking and i don't know where it has gone. i love the people that are around me. like my family, friends and others. but i don't think i show enough appreciation towards as i should. i tend to take the "consistent things" for granted. i sometimes put them high on my shelf and leave them there until i feel that i need them again. awhile back i was watching the catholic channel etwn or something like that and this priest was talking about different kinds of love. one of them was utilitarian love. i think i have too much of that kind of love for others. i'm selfish i suppose. actually no I AM SELFISH. i think i use people for my own devices too often. i hate that i do that. i hate myself for doing that. yet i keep falling back into that pattern of behavior for some reason. i hope that i am not the only one that feels this way. i also wish i could apologize to everyone that i have ever felt that way towards. honestly i am trying to work against that behavior but to no avail. how deep is my love and care for others? i ask myself sometimes. do i love that person for their betterment or mine? death is an interesting thing. i am aware that i will see my loved ones again but why does it hurt so much? i know that it hurts but why? i have never understood it even when i have experienced it myself. the invisible connections that we have with each other bind so strong. it amazes me. i hope that one day i will be a better person not only for myself but for others as welll. the saying that i have heard that you must love yourself before you can love others, is untrue. i don't like myself but i feel i have a sense of love for others. interesting how that works. i say that i have a "sense" of love for others because of my aforementioned statement. my therapist tells me things that i need to work on but honestly you get tired of working on them. it's like "great i need to deal with myself again!" when you don't like a particular person, even if it is yourself, you don't like dealing with them all the time. ignorance is bliss. sometimes i apply that idea to myself. when i ignore myself or my feelings, things aren't so bad after all. yet i also realize that i need to do better than just ignoring myself [feelings] all the time even though it may seem dandy for awhile. did i just say dandy?! i have so much admiration for those going through physical or mental anguish. because on a minuscule scale i can somehow relate. in all actuality i think everyone at some point in their lives can relate as well. we all feel pain of various kinds and varying degrees. it is a sad thing. yet i try to take hope in the belief that it will all be made up to us.

Thoughts

so i am sitting here in front of my computer. my day, or week, has been interesting. i find that things are not what you may have set them out to be. knowing this you would assume it would allow for things to become easier. but they don't. by knowing how things are only makes it more difficult. knowing the rules of the game would seem empowering but has most recently caused me to become less powerful. i fear that one day that i will somehow know more than i do at this moment and become less of what i am. right now i feel confused as to who i really am and i assume that others may feel this way but do we ever discuss the things that we hide even from ourselves? i don't for fear that if i discover what is yet to be uncovered i will have found absolutely nothing. and that is what i fear. the nothingness. it makes me cry at times not because i am sad but because i am afraid of what i have become. i know that it has taken me many years to come to a conclusion that there is no conclusion to come to. i know that there is a god. i believe in him and i know that there is some point for me in this hodgepodge of things but i think is what it comes down to is that i am afraid of my potential. i am afraid that i can do something with myself. not necessarily something great and wonderful but just something. i think that is what scares me the most. not our lack of potential but the possibility of potential. the ability to become something we never thought we could be. that is what i fear. yet i hope that in the days to come that this fear may somehow lessen because it is killing me. it is taking away my personal strengths, my loves, and my desires. i do it to myself. i have no one else to blame. i laugh but when i really think about it but it is true. i suppose the question now is why. why do i deconstruct myself? i don't know yet but i will find out, hopefully.